if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
