I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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