Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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