did you get engaged???
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
