Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
