3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
