Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
