I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
