Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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