I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
