I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
