You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
