Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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