if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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