I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize