just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
