My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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