I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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