I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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