I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
