this beer tastes like vomit already
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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