we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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