just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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