nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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