Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
