you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
