I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize