Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In America we eat man semen.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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