its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
