i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
