Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I wear drunk well.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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