If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize