it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
