U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
