we have officially lost it.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
this just has baby written all over it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
