Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
