he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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