if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
