I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
