The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
