i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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