Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
