i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want to make out with him forever
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
