She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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