dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
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