im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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