maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
