My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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