Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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