I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
