My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
