My friends, they love my intelligence
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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