this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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