Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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