I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize