I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
