The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize